Wearing pearls

A couple of weeks ago I decided that I need an expanded work wardrobe now that I'm more client-facing, and a classier, more sophisticated look to counterbalance my petite build and relatively youthful looks and create a more senior, and sobre impression.

A combination of wanting a elegant, a deepening antipathy towards ironing, my sudden realisation that my arms aren't *that* fat after all, and the Boy being mega supportive of me wearing skirts/dressed led me to buy a very classic, round neck, sleeveless, form-fitting Little Black Dress. I was actually very keen on a cute, semi-playful, arty and shapeless shift dress with a tulip-skirt hem. But the Boy convinced me to take the form-fitting one since he argued convincingly (and he can clearly be very convincing since he convinced me to go out with him!) that it was great value for money since it was elegant and perfect for work when paired with a jacket, yet sexy and spot on for a night out.

And so I bought it, since it was true that this LBD had more mileage than the shift dress, and I would finally have a piece that would allow me to wear the pearl necklace that my Mom gave me (and the numerous other strings of pearls that she passed to me and the one the Boy gave me), since I've always loved pearls and my necklace, but never had the clothes nor the occasion to wear them.

I road-tested the look on Wednesday at my cousin's graduation, which was a formal event. And today, given I had a client meeting and was in a rush and had no other ironed clothes, I wore my LBD and pearls to work before I had a chance to get scared and chicken out. (My image at work is that of a happy, random, and haphazard child-like free-spirit rather than a real banker, so this would be a 180 degree turnaround)

And the responses were great, everyone thought I looked super elegant and a knock-out and like I didn't belong in the office, more like I was going to fancy restaurant or club. Most of the people who commented on my look asked me if I was going out for dinner. The reality, as one girl pointed out, is that my look could be corporate.. but it was the super elegant (usually very much more senior) Chanel look (but with Joseph rather than Chanel). But I guess people just aren't used to seeing me in that light, and besides, we're very casual in the office, which is nice since I'm lazy and it facilitates my tumble-out-of-bed-and-pull-on-the-first-sweater lifestyle. And yet, it's also nice to be really sharply power-dressed. My hope is that I'll have more client meetings (and start actually saying more things), which would give me a reason to dress up and justify me investing in nice clothes! :)

his other side

This weekend, one of the Boy's friends from uni visited from the States, so on Saturday, the Boy and I met him and one of the Boy's good friend from the next team for drinks. When the two friends and I were alone, they told me that they're surprised at how different/nice the Boy is with me.

And the US friend said that yes, he was actually very very impressed.

I was like: huh, how so?

They said that the Boy is generally pretty aggressive with them and like "Shut th f*ck up" etc. But he's really protective of me and pays close attention to me/ takes care of me.

Which made me feel all warm and special. But of course, I'm a girl and they are boys, so it only makes sense that he is nice to me. Nonetheless, their comments still made me very happy. It's great that he can be both hard and soft - hard to the rest of the world, and soft with me - that is, he is strong, but he uses the strength for me, to protect me, rather than against me.

Although, having said all that, the Boy is a bit belligerent/defensive when we have disagreements, which is a bit of a shock to the system actually.

Holding on

When I was in my impressionable early teens, I came across Rudyard Kipling's poem "If" and thought it made a lot of sense, and it would be a good set of principles by which to live my life.

More than ten years later, I re-read the poem this week, and think that, by and large, I haven't done too badly, despite having forgotten about the poem and its principles in the intervening years. I put this down to my early upbringing and my mother's influence, and probably due to my innate character traits as well, such as stubbornness. I hate quitting for example.

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on"

And so, I have held on. Long after so many of my peers have given up, moved on, and sent those "moving on" emails. But sometimes, I wonder at what point should I stop holding on and just walk away. At one point can I walk away with my head held high, without feeling like I've been beaten down by the system, without feeling like I'm quitting because I'm weak. My resilience probably stems more from an internal demon, a need to prove something (to who exactly?), or maybe confusion and not knowing what I want, than feeling like I have much more to gain/ learn from my job. Up to this point, and even now, I do think there is more for me to learn. But the relative cost/benefit just may not make sense anymore.

I'm so constantly angry - at some very stupid people I work with, some inhumane people I work with, the office politics, the scary randomness of how people are favoured or otherwise and how quickly the winds can change, the stupid un-cooperative and constantly shouting clients, the sudden requests and last minute rush, the wasted work that no one reviews... the endless repetition of mundane pitching - so constantly stressed... that I wonder if it makes sense any longer, this holding on.

It shouldn't bother me, all this noise, given that I'm planning to leave in May 2009 anyway, given that I think my work is essentially meaningless. And so, I shouldn't be stressed. But I am, nonetheless. It's strange.

Maybe I just need to go to the gym and/or yoga to release all this energy. I haven't been in a while, which has probably built up the pressure in me. It's difficult when the Boy is around, and I much prefer lying in his arms in the morning than go gymming. I should go this week and maximise my "me"-time while he is away on business.

"But why do we want to maximise value"

Yesterday, one of my clients (a senior adviser to the CEO no less) said that on a conference call.

It scares the hell out of me and completely demotivates me that I have clients who say that. Why am I wasting my life with these guys? That's what bankers are for, to look after our clients interests and maximise their value. That's why we were hired. If he doesn't want us to do our jobs, we can all just go home, and I'll live a longer, happier, and fuller life, thank you very much.